Life As A Botak

I never liked weekends.


Exorbitant movie ticket prices? Check. Super long queues at eateries? Check. No student meals at McDonald's? Check. No Little Nyonya? Checkkkkk.

Jeanette Aw Wo Ai Ni!

But when weekends are the only days you are able to see traffic lights, the night sky without having to do crunches and women that looks like women, they belong to the select few items that can never be bought with MasterCard. In other words? Priceless.

But for everything else, there's MasterCard

I happened to be walking down Orchard Road today. Haven't found the time nor energy to explore ION Orchard's carpark to see if they accept motorbikes and so I had to park my bike over at Cineleisure and walk my way from there. It sure feels good walking while carrying absolutely nothing.

I hate the freaking helmet and rifle

What a walk it was. Is it me or are Singapore girls getting less conservative and more liberal in terms of their dressing? It's getting impossibly hard to not notice that they are showing more skin and eye-popping cleavages. I even had to keep my eyes on the floor in order to walk straight!

Not that I had anything to lose, save for the fact that I had to endure the embarassment of being caught gawking. Can't be helped though. Just imagine this: Put millions of men together on an woman-free island for 5 or more days, make them sweat buckets and give them insufficient time to wash their clothes. What you'll get is a fragrance that makes you completely forget how a female human being looks like.

Some say she was a he, but if she/he looks like that, I don't freaking care

Technically speaking, there are women in Pulau Tekong actually. And it's pretty obvious given that they are not botak and have dried grass on their heads. Not to forget, there are also aunties wearing face masks as if the crap food they are serving us contains the H1N1 virus.

Even Tekong food will taste good if she's the one serving it

Okay lah, the food there isn't half bad actually. And I'm able to finish up the food most of the time. Not because it's good obviously, but because I'm so hungry that it hurts to reminicise how I used to throw away McDonald's golden fries away so easily.


Why so hungry? Because of the company I am in. You know it's bad when the uncle gives you a pitiful look and automatically gives you more rice when you tell him you're from Ninja Company. He then prays for you and gives you a cross to protect you. And when you take the cross gratefully and take your leave, he sheds tears for you.

May God bless you, Ninja Boy...

Except for the rice part, I'm just kidding of course.

Maybe I committed some heinous crimes in my previous life, but yeah I did find myself landing into a company renowned for their Prisoner-of-War treatment. "Just pray you don't get into Ninja" was something that I heard plenty of times before enlistment. Now that it materialised, what I'm getting are "Wah, you're damn fucking suay!" Tough luck.

Bo bian, suck thumb lor

But it isn't that bad lah actually. With all due respect to Pegasus, Ninja sounds so much more masculine than Pussy Pegasus. As long one do not think along the lines of turtles, being a Ninja trainee's pretty cool. And if I'm able to successfully graduate from Ninja's BMT unscathed, it'll be quite a remarkable achievement.

We shall not be moved...
We shall not be moved...
We are from Ninja, we shall not be moved...
Just like the tree, standing by the WATERFRONT!

Ninja, Ninja, all the way
We like it here, we like it here
We found ourselves a home
A home, a home sweet home!

And when I mean unscathed, it means hoping the live grenade that I'm about to throw this week doesn't explode in my pocket.


Amitabha.

My Final Post (for now lah)

Training to be soldiers,
Fight for our land,
Once in our lives,
Two years of our time.

Looking all around us,
People everywhere,
Children having fun,
While we are carrying guns

Have you ever wondered,
Why must we serve?
Because we love our land,
And we want it to be free, to be free.

I used to sing that alot back in my NCC days. Never felt anything much then, primarily because school was just 3 bus stops away from my cosy little home. And more importantly, I could go home anytime.

Of course, that was the beautiful past. Now I'm having a perilous present in trying to get everything packed for my 2 weeks confinement. And not to forget, tomorrow is just the start of a very bleak future for me. I can't delay it anymore. I'm gonna serve the army!

Let's just hope what happened to MJ doesnt happen to me

Now I know how it feels when a person knows he is about to die. The person doesn't curse or swear at God for taking his life. The person doesn't cry or groan that everything is about to end. The person just accepts the fact that he's dying and embraces it. Like what I'm doing right now.

Embracing NS, can you believe it?

I can't believe how melodramatic I'm being right now. The bravado that I had probably got eaten up by the notion of not being able to shit whenever I want. Oh dear. What if I need to take a crap while doing the 24km route march?

Mommy, where's the toilet?

I actually wanted to give this entry a more sombre feel to it but I guess I'm better suited to talking writing cock. Despite being on Planet Earth for only 20 years, I've had my fair share of regrets and I'm pleased to say that reviving my blog is not one of them.

It was fun while it lasted. And it's always nice to see that some of you guys actually enjoy my posts and even favorited my blog! (Thanks Wan Qian but I hope it's not because you wanna seek some laughs over the silly photos of mine.) But I'm gonna have to take a hiatus again and I seriously hope you guys know why I'm taking it. (Jia lat, I doubt Mok know)

And if you excuse me, I'm gonna have to be in Pulau Tekong already. So take good care everybody and do stay alive.

I'll remove those xiao long pao baskets when I'm back. (Yes, my handsome face is right behind them)

--

PS: Thanks alot for all the wishes. Appreciate it.

Hilarious Shiet!

What I'm Really Afraid Of (Continued)

I had a sudden cold realisation today.


I'm only 4 days away from not being able to shit whenever/wherever I want! No more doing the deed in the comfort of my own home or shopping malls anymore. No more reading newspaper or playing PSP while producing fertilisers anymore. And it's hello to toilets in another island and the great outdoors. How very tragic.

Seems like I'll have to keep it in during field camp

Pardon my crudeness. I needed to let it out. No pun intended of course.

And taking it from my previous post, what I'm really afraid of starts with the letter "S" and has something to do with this:

Come on... what are you waiting for?

Nope, it's not sex(lack of) Wei Jie. It's what comes after that actually.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a firm believer in sex after marriage. All you need is a moment of folly and this little guy will be staring at you

Hello Daddy, what's up?

Just make sure you get married before you hit 40 though. You wouldn't wanna end up like him.

His first time lasted 1 minute

Anyway, it's SLEEP I'm talking about. Good quality sleep. Unfortunately for me, good quality sleep equates to at least 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And the chances of me getting 10 hours of sleep a day in Pulau Hell is as good as surviving a Letty's tombstone piledriver.

Can't get any worst than this

I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but do you know why I'm always late? 99% of the time, it's because I can't get my ass off my bed. It takes me at least 5 snoozes to wake myself up. 1 snooze 10 mins and you do the math. So there you go, it's not like I want to be late. I simply can't help it!

Then sleep earlier lah. Ignored.

Not only that, my Dad has offered to buy me 2 weeks worth of "Breathe Right" for me... without me asking him to. And his rationale? He's worried that Ah Bengs will whack me because they are kept awake by me not breathing right.

Don't hamtam me please

As much as I wish to deny that I snore, I do and pretty loudly too. And the best thing I heard about my snoring is that it's consistent. Which of course doesn't really help matters.

So here you go, what I'm really afraid of is not something trivial, it's a matter of life and death. Somebody save me please.

What I'm Really Afraid Of

I got chided by my Dad today.

Somebody's gonna get hurt real bad

For making it sound like I'll never be able to return home after enlisting into army, when all I did was to reply "I won't be able to eat chicken chop anymore(in army)" when my Dad nagged at me for eating "unhealthy" food.

Who cares about health when dinner looks like this

3 months back, I was cursing and swearing about how the wait for army will be like 3 long years. And now in an blink of an eye, I'm left with only 7 freaking days. S E V E N freaking days to a new cell home. Even the magazine that I just bought is mocking me.

I've got 1 more day than you! ROFLMAO!

Paid 2 bucks to be mocked at. Nice.

To think I was pleading "PLEASE TAKE ME, PLEASE TAKE ME" during the July intake to no avail unfortunately. But now I just wanna lock myself in the toilet so that they won't be able to kidnap me for their evil experiments.

But I'm kinda skinny actually

Oh well. They say army is a rite of passage for boys to become men. I guess it's time (NOT YET, 7 MORE DAYS) for me to face my destiny. Besides, there isn't really much to fear about army, is there? Let's take a look at some of the issues that people may have reservations about:

1) Food


They say that in the army,
The food is very nice,
You ask for mutton curry,
They give you chao ta rice.

This shouldn't pose much of a problem to me, considering I ain't exactly very picky about food. I just don't eat pork, mutton, beef, fish with too many bones, onions, garlic, cockles just to name a few. And to top it off, I've got a special talent in which I'm able to eat the same thing over and over. KFC for one week? No problemo.

2) The Supernatural

OMFG! GHOST.. GHOST!

I've heard about stories about the nasi lemak auntie that only appears at night and the right answer to her asking you to buy her nasi lemak is to point her to another bunkmate. I seriously wonder what will happen if I were to buy it. I'll let you guys know in the future. Just hope that the payment isn't a year deducted from my life span.

Also, you're not allowed to point your torchlight at the trees because you'll be "disturbing" the spirits lingering around. Fair enough, why would I wanna "see" ghosts anyway?

My philosophy is that if I didn't commit any sin, I won't be having any encounters with the supernatural. And never follow what they do in horror movies. Checking out a strange room/cupboard/toilet/movie theatre when obviously there's something spooky about it. That's what I'll call "asking for it."

3) Sausage fest toilets


Some people might be afraid of seeing others naked(and feeling inferior) or exposing themselves to others(and feeling inferior). Well, let's just say I'm confident in what I possess. Hoho.

4) Lonely Nights

When all you have is the Moon for company

This is a huge problem for most people. Especially those with girlfriends(or boyfriends). At least they have somebody to call during admin time. But personally, I believe that it's always easier to get through army when one is single. There's so much less things to worry about as compared to having a girlfriend. And you don't have to...

Booking out, see my girlfriend,
Saw her with, another man
KILL the MAN, rape my girlfriend!
with my rifle and my buddy and me EEE eee.

5) Anal Sergeants

Pump me please, I beg you

They say that in the army,
The sergeants very nice,
You talk to them nicely,
They scold you chao chee bye.

Especially when they are most likely to be the same age as you. And they steal your food and make you do push ups for no particular reason. But with everybody else taking the same shit as you, it makes you feel better somewhat.

But what is it that I'm really afraid of?

--

To be continued.

A New Name

I'm surprisingly feeling quite awake right now considering I slept with Jimmy (with one pillow gap between us and no hanky panky) last night for about only 5 hours. It's an interesting battle between us really - a battle to see who can manage to fall asleep quicker. Tragically, I lost yesterday and as a result, I was kept up for an hour due to his soothing snoring.

It's not easy to breathe right

I won the battle in Hong Kong (5 nights consecutively) when we shared the same hotel room, so I guess I don't really have the right to complain.

Anyway, we were invited to stay over at Sharon's place (though I was told that my presence doesn't really matter but despite having a shattered heart, I still went anyway) as her parents were out of town.

By the way, the "we" I'm talking about is the Fools' Club.

Tat Yi's training to be officer

Frankly speaking, I don't understand why we are named the Fools' Club. Listen to me, we should rename ourselves for I can easily think of names that are a million times better. Since there are SIX of us, what about...

Six And The City?


Hmm, too risque huh?

Never mind. What about this, Six-ophone?


Okay, guess not.

Or check this out, the best of the lot...

THE SIX PACK!

Clockwise direction from top left:
Jimmy, Evelyn, Jun Ren, Sharon, Wan Qian & Tatyi

Sixy Sexy isn't it? Told you I had brilliant ideas. Even Jam Hsiao will agree with me Sharon. Don't worry we can always expand into 8 pack once I manage to find my significant other.

And to be continued.

--

Though we are always here for you,
Ultimately, the one who can help yourself , is yourself.
You can do it. I'm sure of that.

Come Home To 5

I figured there will be days in which I'll be stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do. Today is one of them.


Well, it can't be helped considering all the girls are schooling (I don't have much "girl" friends anyway) and most of the guys are serving the army. And here I am, unable to serve the army nor go to school YET. It's like I'm some stuck bowels in some poor constipated guy.

Looks like shit but they are sausages

Nevertheless, I had to find something to do and after some severe brainstorming, I decided to watch Singapore Idiot Idol.

Considering how much I detest asS-League, I suppose I should give local talents a chance, so long they sing well and not play crappy football. And so I reluctantly obeyed "Come home to 5" and braced myself for impact.

Though it wasn't mind blowing stuff, it's still pretty good I'll have to say and a very pleasant surprise. At least it made my day more enjoyable... somewhat.

Michael Learns To Rot

Actually, it is largely due to the 8 Days magazine that I read yesterday that piqued my interest in Singapore Idol. Especially the short article about how Gurmit Singh sucks as the SI host.

Gurmeet Singh from Google Images

And amazingly yeah, I'll have to agree with 8 Days. I did watch the very first Singapore Idol in which Sylvester Sim totally butchered "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi and the judges are so fucking deaf that they all agreed it was a very good rendition. Anyway, I never felt there was anything wrong with Gurmit Singh's hosting then.

The real Gurmit Singh

Perhaps it's because the show's live or the mounting criticism that got to him, but it's undeniable that he kept bumbling through the show and kept repeating the same things over and over. You could really see that he's trying his utmost best in finding new things to say literally. (Watch SI next week to see for yourself). One particular exchange between himself and co-host Hady Mirza summed it up best.

Gurmit Singh was saying something about how nervous it must feel when the contestants were all lined up and waiting for the results to be announced. Then he mentioned something like this:

Gurmit Singh: I think you've been through it before, right?

Hady Mirza(with a "Duh" expression and tone): Of course!

And for a split second there, I could see how Gurmit Singh had a sudden realisation that he said something stupid. Kudos to him for pretending it didn't happen almost immediately. But still, I saw it. Too bad.

Moreover, why the hell is Hady Mirza the co-host?

Your very first Asian Idol

Apparently, his role encompasses being co-host and to dispense "valuable" advice to the current contestants. But the question here is, "Why is he here and not recording albums somewhere else?" Won't the contestants feel that the future's bleak even if they won the competition? They'll simply replace Hady Mirza as the co-host (or maybe Gurmit Singh if he doesn't pull his socks up) and the cycle continues.

Recyling the way to go?

Oh well. Back to the contestants, I'm pretty impressed with the guy who sang "Low" and the Secondary 4 kid who sang "Poker Face". And then something unbelievable happened.

I was so enchanted by their performances that when Gurmit Singh urged us to vote for them, I took out my phone and smsed...

"Please buy some potato chips from 7-11 before you come home" to my Dad.

What to do? I needed something to chew on for the results show.

Face(less)book

It's a wonder how my life will pan out if I didn't heed Jun Wei's advice in getting myself connected to others on Facebook. I wouldn't be able to check out my friends and see how they are doing. I wouldn't be able to "Like" it when some pretty girl became single and I wouldn't be able to show how intelligent I am with the "What's on your mind" function.

But I did plant my face on Facebook and now I have to deal with photos such as this:

Tampines Safra after graduation

Okay, doesn't seem like anything much... yet. Let's zoom in a little.

Kenneth seemed to be enjoying it, I'm just too good

Nope it wasn't planned. I've got no idea why I chose to be in such a compromising position while wearing that stupid T-shirt of mine. And can somebody explain to me why Karen Mok's so happy?

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

Warning: This entry may contain spoilers and fans of Bananas.

A few days back after slaving my life away in Transcab, I got home and the first thing my Dad told me when he saw me was (loosely translated from Chinese):

Dad: Your sis bought a new book today. Check it out.

Me(glanced towards the Popular plastic bag): Oh. So what?

Dad: With her own money. For once.

Me: Now that's a surprise. (This was just a thought, I didn't exactly say it out)

I didn't check out the book she bought immediately though, for my attention was fixated on watching Rafael Nadal getting walloped by Del Potro and actually enjoying it. I hated Nadal ever since he made Federer cry.

He didn't hit the sweet spot

Pity the Great Man himself got defeated by this Del Potro guy too. And to think he's only 20 years old, he should be enlisting into army with me instead!

We could be commandos together

Life's unfair that way sometimes.

After witnessing Nadal got steam rolled over, I took out the book my sister bought with apprehension and this is what I had in my hand.


WTF! was my first reaction, frankly speaking. The title, the design, the colour and even the author's name looks stupid. And guess what came to my mind moments later?

Hint: Vivocity has it. Orchard Ion has it. But Eastpoint Mall only has one of them unfortunately.

And they are none other than the...

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1?"
"I think I am, B2!".

You know what I'm thinking? I'm definitely not gonna read a book about how this boy travels with this two fucking bananas on their journey to the west and about their trials and tribulations that probably involves a lot of monkeys trying to gobble them up.

Omg, what is Letty King Kong doing here?

Wanting to not judge a book by its cover, literally, I checked out the back of the book, hoping to find a blurp for a rough idea of what the book is about. And surprisingly, there was nothing. What were the publishers thinking? Only idiots will buy such a book.


Oops. My sister did.

Nevertheless, I flipped the cover over and there it was, the synopsis which read:

"The story of "The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas" is very difficult to describe. Usually we give some clues about the book on the cover, but in this case we think that would spoil the reading of the book. We think it is important that you start to read without knowing what it is about. If you do start to read this book, you will go on a journey with a nine-year-old boy called Bruno. (Though this isn't a book for nine-year-olds.) And sooner or later you will arrive with Bruno at a fence. We hope you never have to cross such a fence."

Wow. How intriguing. How mysterious. And how unorthodox. How can I not read the book now? Though for a split second, this creepy person's image came to my mind.

This is the other Bruno. The gay one.

It's quite an experience really. Reading a book with absolutely no idea what the book is about. Although the journey thingy in the synopsis sounds like it may be what I feared about the bananas earlier. Thankfully it wasn't.

I'm not gonna provide spoilers here I guess. But this book is definitely was one hell of an adventure, albeit from the perspective of a 9 year old boy. And the ending was ... not a happily-ever-after. Oops, I guessed I just gave some spoilers.

But if you insist on getting spoilers out of me, check out the movie trailer of the adapted film.


Riveting stuff huh?

Like The Time Traveler's Wife, I was also initially skeptical about the film, whether it will be able to capture, in this case, the irony of the boy's naiveness and ignorance as to what's happening to the world.

But it did. I've watched the film and all I have got to say that it's a must-watch. 4.5 ikan bilis out of 5 ikan bilis.


Besides you know the movie is good when 90% of the trailer's comments in YouTube are like "OMG.. This is the saddest movie I've ever watched... *sobs*", "I just can't stop crying... the ending is so saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!" and "I can't believe the group of commandos beside us were crying like a bunch of pussies after the movie! It's THAT good!"

9% are vulgarity-laced comments such as "FUCK YOU HITLER!", "I swear if Hitler is alive today, I'm gonna be the one who kills him" and "HIT YOUR LAMPA LAH, SI HITLER"


And the 1% are those from intelligent creatures who can only come up with, "Yessssss! First to comment! Hehe!" and simply repeating this till... say around the 5th or 6th comment.

Someone give these guys a trophy or something.