*back on my feet*

Hello everyone! been missing in action lately. Really stressed up nowadays and just feel really unmotivated in life. Like mr chong once said, everyone of us has a emotional well or smthing(i've forgotten =x) yeap now mine's running real low. Don't worry, i'll fill it up now, slowly, day after day.

Weehaa, bought new school shoes, nah normally wont be too happy about it, but this time round, my skewl shoes are street soccer shoes! bwahaha, i guess that'll prolly enhance my soccer game, cheerios!

Got a heavy scolding from mr heok. i've woken up. i'm gonna be the responsible person i once was. aint easy, but i'll try nevertheless. i'll change for the better.

-maybe i'll be wrong, maybe i'll regret, maybe it'll turn out the way i wish it didnt. I don't noe, i don't care either. This time round, i'm willing to try.-

*lost*

Been a long day.. a long strenous day. I'm tired, mentally and physically.

Went for taekwondo training yesterday, it was good, learnt patterns and stuff, but the main aim that i chose to join wasnt fufilled.

Departed from Kembangan CC alone, felt pretty empty throughout. and met a crying lil boy along the way to the bus stop. apparently, he lost his parents and didnt noe wad to do. thankfully, a security guard helped him out.

That sparked off some memories in my head. I myself have been left alone(or rather i wandered off sumwhere) when i was a kid. the feeling sucks when everybody around you are strangers, and you dont noe which way to go. it was real frightening. but i did managed to find my way back to my parents long time back.

I dont know how to exactly explain how i'm feeling. quarrels with my dad are getting more frequent and more aggresive. my studies' are in a big mess, and my love life's getting strained.
I'm not sure how long can i hold out, even the drastic attempt to stop all this(commiting suicide) seems to be more and more tempting.

Jokes arent funny anymore. smiling ish a chore. joyous moments disappeared along with time. i hate the life im having right now.. i need answers, i need to noe what to do, how to make it out of all this... alive.

I've lost the optimism i once had when i was younger. i could easily brush away negative and bad experiences. how am i able to lift myself out of all this.. but i dont wanna gib up either. argh...

-you arent there anymore-

*trying*

Yeh noe, i kinda like the word "trying". you can look at it in several ways. juz some of my lame-ism. yeap anyways, ive been trying real hard, to please everyone. friends, teachers.. everyone. I truly hope things could work out somehow.. before the end of january 2005. There are setbacks.. definitely. still, i'll be trying.

Today was pretty alwight, had PE and discussed bout the fIEsta thingy. We're supposed to sell products or services to earn money. kinda letting us taste how issit like having a business to run. IT was pretty good, ideas came pouring in.

PE was frisbee. haha, wish i could curl those soccer balls juz like how i did so with the frisbees. uh well.. it was still pretty fun. trashed our other class mates 5-1 ^.^

Stayed back after school. went for ncc meeting. apparently we have to prepare for this coming friday's STEP programme. went on to play soccer shortly after. haha been ages since i stayed back till so late just to play soccer. it was fun, practiced several soccer related stuff. i love soccer to the very max!

discussed with benjamin and big.leonard about our current soccer team. oh yea my new jersey number ish 15. kewl eh, 15/4/04 ma =x It was unbelievable that we acherly had 20+ players in the team. when we started off, nobody wanted to join at all. now so many peeps are vying over the first team slots. man.. challenging.

That's about it, reached home at 7.30++ kinda exhausted after all the soccer-ing. alryte.. off to emaths. *gets engine started*

-where did e moon hid itself....-

*the final lap*

vroom vroom! it's the last lap! everybody's ahead and im lagging behind once again. racing with unrepaired tyres fer the very last lap. excess baggage whatever. my homework's undone, my studies in a mess and my personal probs seems to be bigger than ever. ahh...

alwights, what happened today? pretty nothing much, except it's steven birthday today, and the whole bunch of us went off fer pastamania fer lunch. thankie fully, sam was wib me all along. (ham+mushroom pizza.. ham+mushroom pizza.. ham+mushroom pizza...)

had a lecture as well, woot. wish we could hab such lectures regularly man. it'll be great time to fall asleep, air con everything, and a pretty fine table fer u to rest your head on. Kewl doood.

Went on for taekwondo training lata on in the night. This time with Kenny. Sam's pretty sick today p.s get well shoooon btw dear (www.hastmana.blogspot.com) Sho it was pretty fun for me, kinda mastered my pattern to a limited extent. i'm gonna practice practice and practice.

Returning home was kinda weird. Kenny's dad sent him home, sho i had to leave for home myself. just felt pretty empty somehow, donno why, maybe i'm lonely or something. hate this darn feeling. ahh well..

here's a pic that i guess it'll be nice to share it wib you guys.



Alwights, i cant explain my weird expression. From left: qin yu, me, leonard and cheepeng.

*i'm back..*

Yeap, back from a 5 day stint over at Outward Bound Singapore! not exactly happy tho.. just feels weird going back home. not that i don want to, its just that i rather spend my life in e forest, peaceful and serene, aint that great? and habing a group of friends talking cock all e time..

okay, let's go! i shall now talk about what i went through. it's tough, not as tough as mt ophir tho, but much more exciting in my opinion. okae the ferst day, was introduced to our bestest best best instructor ever..! her name's Li Shan. the perfect role model for youngsters like us. she's young yet she's sho wise. always caring for us, always sharing wisdom and teaching us life lessons via various challenges. she's simply the best! will miss her badly.

okae, had an ice breaking session and got to know more of my group mates. they are great btw, all of them.. we complement each other and conflicts were minimal! my group ish Amundsen. In case you're wondering hu's that person, he's the first person to set foot on South pole. kewl eh?

the most memorable moment was during the tunneling. well, we had to walk through sum woods in e dark and den crawl through a tunnel. thankfully it was in pairs, i wld be sho much more afraid to do it alone. (but i will laaa! =x) the tunnel was scary man, you cant see your fingers, and the way to get out ish to rely on ur sense of touch and possibly hearing. the tunnel's kinda small too, sho dere isnt much space fer u to move about. I'll never forget how it feels wen i crawled and navigated e way out.

and the bond between one and another amundsen mates were great. all of can easily click wib one another, sharing problems, cracking jokes etc. sho yup, hopefully we'll meet up someday, together with li shan , our instructor.

me will never forget the life lessons. learnt how to be more independent, and giving gives u more satisfaction than taking. i'll try to apply it in reality, it wun be easy, but i'll try my bestest best. sho yup , to end it all, here's some words li shan told us.

Go where you want to go. Do what you want to do. Be what you want to be. The obs spirit!

-i'm missing you, all e time , all along, always.-

*the reason*

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay?

Found that pretty meaningful. guess its trying to bring out that if u like a person, let her/him know. if you don't, you may just lose him/her to somebody else. and the regret that comes.. just hurts real bad. (p.s i want you to stay)

anyways, today's real boooring. Chose to skip PoA lesson. haha, just pure lazy. =x. Then just kinda practice my taekwondo pattern and mass gbing wib my pals. Pretty boring really.. i'm a no-lifer.

Had a really bad nightmare by the way. guess its my weird thought patterns that made up the nightmare. ahh.. i've gotta stay cool now man. Else i'm gonna die in an accident in Outward Bound singapore.

Speaking of which, its just 2 days more! I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Not emotionally prepared(physically i'm always am =x). I'm still kinda shaky at the moment, time to pluck out some courage to face the 5 days baby! I'm not worried bout the obstacles there.. i'm worried what might happen when im away.

thank goodness sam's back at home safe and sound. feel kinda better now. ciao peeps.

*less than 4 mths*

and counting down. its just less than 4 mths to eternal depression. how i wish time could just stop.

Alright, weee! today's the last day of school. And it means i have to go for Outward Bound Singapore reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllly soon.(this monday btw) I'm nervous, not exactly tho, perhaps more of worrying. anything can happen in 5 days. I just fear that.. i'm not given enough time to express my love or something. Like an air plane taking off with a small area of run way. will it crash or not, that's the question.

I'm an emotional person. I think so too. I'm a guy who kinda doesnt acts like one. Tend to over worry and hyper sensitive. even mdm jamillah said so. She's my form teacher anyways. She just kinda warned me about Boy Girl relationships. told me never ever let it affect ur studies and most relationships don't last, at our age.

Sho im wondering.. wouldnt it be a self fufilled prophecy if i keep that "ahh.. its gonna end anyway" kind of mindset in dealing my current relationship? if i don't expect it to last, will it ever last? Sort out my thoughts please, give me all the answers i want please.

haha, another teacher told me this again. "you can do anything under the sun, but just don't get caught". i still remember, my pri skewl teacher, mr chong, told me the same thing as well. Heh, great minds think alike ya?

preparing to go for taekwondo shoon. it's so weird being a white belt and having a girl friend whos black. eh, but dont look down at me, i get black belt let u see =x.

-there's no point in stopping and notice how many people are there trying to outdo, outperform, outrun you. What matters most is that you keep on running, and be loved in return.-