What I'm Really Afraid Of (Continued)

I had a sudden cold realisation today.


I'm only 4 days away from not being able to shit whenever/wherever I want! No more doing the deed in the comfort of my own home or shopping malls anymore. No more reading newspaper or playing PSP while producing fertilisers anymore. And it's hello to toilets in another island and the great outdoors. How very tragic.

Seems like I'll have to keep it in during field camp

Pardon my crudeness. I needed to let it out. No pun intended of course.

And taking it from my previous post, what I'm really afraid of starts with the letter "S" and has something to do with this:

Come on... what are you waiting for?

Nope, it's not sex(lack of) Wei Jie. It's what comes after that actually.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a firm believer in sex after marriage. All you need is a moment of folly and this little guy will be staring at you

Hello Daddy, what's up?

Just make sure you get married before you hit 40 though. You wouldn't wanna end up like him.

His first time lasted 1 minute

Anyway, it's SLEEP I'm talking about. Good quality sleep. Unfortunately for me, good quality sleep equates to at least 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And the chances of me getting 10 hours of sleep a day in Pulau Hell is as good as surviving a Letty's tombstone piledriver.

Can't get any worst than this

I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but do you know why I'm always late? 99% of the time, it's because I can't get my ass off my bed. It takes me at least 5 snoozes to wake myself up. 1 snooze 10 mins and you do the math. So there you go, it's not like I want to be late. I simply can't help it!

Then sleep earlier lah. Ignored.

Not only that, my Dad has offered to buy me 2 weeks worth of "Breathe Right" for me... without me asking him to. And his rationale? He's worried that Ah Bengs will whack me because they are kept awake by me not breathing right.

Don't hamtam me please

As much as I wish to deny that I snore, I do and pretty loudly too. And the best thing I heard about my snoring is that it's consistent. Which of course doesn't really help matters.

So here you go, what I'm really afraid of is not something trivial, it's a matter of life and death. Somebody save me please.

What I'm Really Afraid Of

I got chided by my Dad today.

Somebody's gonna get hurt real bad

For making it sound like I'll never be able to return home after enlisting into army, when all I did was to reply "I won't be able to eat chicken chop anymore(in army)" when my Dad nagged at me for eating "unhealthy" food.

Who cares about health when dinner looks like this

3 months back, I was cursing and swearing about how the wait for army will be like 3 long years. And now in an blink of an eye, I'm left with only 7 freaking days. S E V E N freaking days to a new cell home. Even the magazine that I just bought is mocking me.

I've got 1 more day than you! ROFLMAO!

Paid 2 bucks to be mocked at. Nice.

To think I was pleading "PLEASE TAKE ME, PLEASE TAKE ME" during the July intake to no avail unfortunately. But now I just wanna lock myself in the toilet so that they won't be able to kidnap me for their evil experiments.

But I'm kinda skinny actually

Oh well. They say army is a rite of passage for boys to become men. I guess it's time (NOT YET, 7 MORE DAYS) for me to face my destiny. Besides, there isn't really much to fear about army, is there? Let's take a look at some of the issues that people may have reservations about:

1) Food


They say that in the army,
The food is very nice,
You ask for mutton curry,
They give you chao ta rice.

This shouldn't pose much of a problem to me, considering I ain't exactly very picky about food. I just don't eat pork, mutton, beef, fish with too many bones, onions, garlic, cockles just to name a few. And to top it off, I've got a special talent in which I'm able to eat the same thing over and over. KFC for one week? No problemo.

2) The Supernatural

OMFG! GHOST.. GHOST!

I've heard about stories about the nasi lemak auntie that only appears at night and the right answer to her asking you to buy her nasi lemak is to point her to another bunkmate. I seriously wonder what will happen if I were to buy it. I'll let you guys know in the future. Just hope that the payment isn't a year deducted from my life span.

Also, you're not allowed to point your torchlight at the trees because you'll be "disturbing" the spirits lingering around. Fair enough, why would I wanna "see" ghosts anyway?

My philosophy is that if I didn't commit any sin, I won't be having any encounters with the supernatural. And never follow what they do in horror movies. Checking out a strange room/cupboard/toilet/movie theatre when obviously there's something spooky about it. That's what I'll call "asking for it."

3) Sausage fest toilets


Some people might be afraid of seeing others naked(and feeling inferior) or exposing themselves to others(and feeling inferior). Well, let's just say I'm confident in what I possess. Hoho.

4) Lonely Nights

When all you have is the Moon for company

This is a huge problem for most people. Especially those with girlfriends(or boyfriends). At least they have somebody to call during admin time. But personally, I believe that it's always easier to get through army when one is single. There's so much less things to worry about as compared to having a girlfriend. And you don't have to...

Booking out, see my girlfriend,
Saw her with, another man
KILL the MAN, rape my girlfriend!
with my rifle and my buddy and me EEE eee.

5) Anal Sergeants

Pump me please, I beg you

They say that in the army,
The sergeants very nice,
You talk to them nicely,
They scold you chao chee bye.

Especially when they are most likely to be the same age as you. And they steal your food and make you do push ups for no particular reason. But with everybody else taking the same shit as you, it makes you feel better somewhat.

But what is it that I'm really afraid of?

--

To be continued.

A New Name

I'm surprisingly feeling quite awake right now considering I slept with Jimmy (with one pillow gap between us and no hanky panky) last night for about only 5 hours. It's an interesting battle between us really - a battle to see who can manage to fall asleep quicker. Tragically, I lost yesterday and as a result, I was kept up for an hour due to his soothing snoring.

It's not easy to breathe right

I won the battle in Hong Kong (5 nights consecutively) when we shared the same hotel room, so I guess I don't really have the right to complain.

Anyway, we were invited to stay over at Sharon's place (though I was told that my presence doesn't really matter but despite having a shattered heart, I still went anyway) as her parents were out of town.

By the way, the "we" I'm talking about is the Fools' Club.

Tat Yi's training to be officer

Frankly speaking, I don't understand why we are named the Fools' Club. Listen to me, we should rename ourselves for I can easily think of names that are a million times better. Since there are SIX of us, what about...

Six And The City?


Hmm, too risque huh?

Never mind. What about this, Six-ophone?


Okay, guess not.

Or check this out, the best of the lot...

THE SIX PACK!

Clockwise direction from top left:
Jimmy, Evelyn, Jun Ren, Sharon, Wan Qian & Tatyi

Sixy Sexy isn't it? Told you I had brilliant ideas. Even Jam Hsiao will agree with me Sharon. Don't worry we can always expand into 8 pack once I manage to find my significant other.

And to be continued.

--

Though we are always here for you,
Ultimately, the one who can help yourself , is yourself.
You can do it. I'm sure of that.